An Ultimate Guide: Breaking the Ice with Your Bonus Kids Bio Mom!!
Like a charm!!!
Author & Creator Ashlee Martin from A Blended Momma Website & Blog
So, Let's Get Real For a Min
You all know what I am talking about, whether you're the bonus mom or the Bio mom, when your child's “other parent” gets a new ‘boo’, things start to get complicated...real quick!! And feelings (aka EGOS start feeling the pressure!)
For the Bio moms you start thinking the worse scenario about this new...girl. We always do! Thoughts like:
what if she treats my kid badly or takes all the attention away from my kid and puts it on herself?? I just know that's her mission.
-she will be a HORRIBLE role model on my kid (like some of our own ‘girlfriends” aren't lol
my EX partner is only trying to replace me as a mother! That woman will not Ever replace me(which leads to) or listen to her,(and then) or even be around her.
Before ya know it you are already on the phone with your EX partner giving him way too much of yourself & your time to be an EX fussing nonstop and ending with, my child won't be over there when ‘she is there’
And eventually it turns into a mental break down for you & all of this is bbefore you even meet this new person. Even so, the natural rules of life these days tell us: she is the enemy and you want her GONE.
Whoa...Chill out Bro.. (haha)
On the other side of this contraption, we have this seemingly “random girl/homewrecker”. Excuse the word but Do we not? Be honest here people..we all thought it about the "other woman" in the very beggining!
One of the keys to this meet up being successful however, Requires the above thought, to never become present in your mind, at the very least, Never around this woman. More on that part Later!
Okay, Ashlee stay on topic!!!
So your ex partner has been seeing this woman for a while now, but apparently they are ‘getting serious” because this woman will now be meeting you and your child, and spending time with your child as a “parental figure”, if legalized (a lot of times just moving in together, without a legal binding) and this could eventually turn permanent!
She may just be the “new girlfriend” for now but she is applying for the position of Bonus Mom, and you should see yourself and (unfortunately) your ex as the hiring managers.
Are you a Positive Polly or Negative Nancy?
Maybe you're Polly and you're trying your hardest to stay positive, hopeful, and willing to try, as much you can be, until 'the day' or you may be Nancy and cursing this new womans every possible thought, flaw, insecurity and planning your revenge (hopefully not that serious but you get the point) either way let's take a minute & think about her feelings.
A peek at the other woman's side of the Fence!
Imagine she is a Positive Polly too, she thinks. how bad could this bio mom really be, as long as I say the right things and focus on “molly”, all those positives vibes… & then a bomb hits her dead on, and you have to know who the "bomb" is!
CORRECT, YOUR EX!
Your Ex partner gives her the “made-up-happened-one-time-after-36-hours-of-no-sleep-or-help-with-the-kids-FROM-HIM-I-MIGHT-ADD-rundown” of you, which is (usually) the worse case scenario, as you could prob guess!
I guess there are some decent men still around (or so I hear) that won't but...lets face it, they are men, trying to impress a new woman.
He will prob tell her a condensed version of that one time 20 years ago where you were so stressed out you lost your cool and blew up on him in public-except he will say it was last week or so and that you're always like that
.So, you Bonus Mom’s (or to be) are probably freaking out by now thinkingall kinds of crazies!
-she's going to Break us up or cause drama our entire relationship
- she is going to trick their kid into going behind my back and telling lies or making up stories about me to get “rid” of me.
- she is going to sabotage my relationship she is such a blankity blank
And so on and so on….
The Bottom Line
If these negative self-thoughts continue, not only is the New relationship in jeopardy (which depending on the situation can affect your kid negatively), any hope of co parenting NICELY and effectively could be shot to you know where…
Ladies we must, for the sake of happiness for ourselves, for the sake of our children, for the sake of the atmosphere of whichever home your child is in, for the sake of the relationship, you may not want but you do NEED, to keep with your ex partner, to be able to co-parent, for the sake of keeping your life as drama free as possible,
We must act like adults, suck up our pride, and give this your best!!!
The Game Plan
So you're probably wondering how do we even begin to meet each other, keep the authority that Bio mom ultimately possesses, while also holding respect for the new bonus mom (to be)???
It's actually not as hard as it seems if both woman can be MATURE and both woman keep the CHILD's best interest as the main priority and not their own interests.
Just a FYI, from my actual life
My situation with the Bio mom did not go this way at all and if you are ever in that kind of predicament, where the kid is only used and constantly let down and forgotten, then this post is not for you.
-I do not expect you to respect someone who does this, no-one should.
However, if the Bio can be MATURE and is still being a parent to your Bonus child then keep reading!!
Are you sure you're ready for this??? Of course you are! Girl Breathe!!!
Okay, so first do not go to meet this woman with your pride up above your head and all those negative self thoughts.
She will see it written all over your face!
Whatever you have to do to shake off any insecurities and bad thoughts, do it!
Even if the meeting doesn't go well or as expected hope for the best and keep positively and willingness as first priority!
Put yourself in the Bio moms shoes ( picture having your own kid and what you would expect)
Dress appropriate (if you don't want the Bio thinking your wild or one to sleep around then certainly don't dress like one)
Keep in mind: first impressions are always the most important
Empathize with her(she may seem defensive at first approach, but that's the momma bear coming out)
Introduce yourself and if you're feeling giddy give her an honest compliment
Mention something your bonus child is always saying about her, as a compliment (ex. if she makes a joke say “molly” always says you make her laugh more than anyone, I def see where she gets her awesome sense of humor”)
Reassure her of any mandatory request she asks of you (ex. her-please make sure Molly doesn't eat sugar before going to bed”- before you leave mention it again ex. And I'll be sure there is no sugar before bed thanks!”)
Get ahead of the game by asking if she has any special requests or if “molly” needs anything while in your care
Even though it's a given or it's what she has to do, Thank the Bio mom for meeting/bringing/allowing your Bonus child to come. Do this even if your partner doesn't!
Don't be fake. If there is only one thing I gained from being a bio mom (it's not obv. the only thing, but come on it's a figure of speech) is spotting a FAKE a mile away, 9 x's out of 10 even so much as being able to tell when someone lies. (Give ya a secret “two words” to tell -Body Language- it can tell you A LOT about even the most closed off people
Try your best to actually like her! Now if she's just trying to be a “female dog” this may be out of the question, but if she is just quiet or shy or still feeling iffy, try to look around your pride shades and see something, anything, positive about her and dwell on that.
Forget she is your man's ex. Forget it forget forget it. Push it to the absolute furthest part of your brain and leave it there! Think of her as only your Bonus child's parent and try to eventually see her as an acquaintance if you can't manage “friends”
Smile. Genuinely (or try) a smile can change everything and I did not say smirk ladies! Behave! Lol
Okay, Let's rewind for a minute..
Remember when I said, make sure you hold on to the fact that this woman (whichever one you are not) could Very Possibly be here to stay, with or without your drama.
In knowing that, you do not want your ego and pride creating such a disastrous relationship between you to that it ruins parts of your life everyday all day but it ruins and impacts your child's life, possibly forever.
So Ladies put your best foot forward, break that ice, form a lasting, TRUSTING, relationship that your child can truly benefit from!
I'm not talking about those ‘special cases’ where somebody has to get ugly, but in a normal situation as this, what is really so upsetting about this new woman? Or having to engage with the ex?
More people to love, cherish, and be there for your child!
A woman “friend” for life
Your Ex whom even though we hate to admit it, we did care about has someone who can make him happy while you move on
Less stress on you directly as you have lots of helping hands
Always find the positive no matter how small!!!
Well, there you have it!
An Ultimate Guide and Perfect Start to Breaking the Ice with the Bio Mom as a New Bonus Mom/Girlfriend!!
I want to tell you that I wish you the absolute best, it is tough but as long as both of you are mature, the hardest obstacle is truly overcoming your own pride and ego.
If you are finding yourself having a hard time with letting pride go (a lot of us do, so don't feel bad!) I urge you to “Let Go and Let God”
I am not naive and I know not everyone believes the same, and that's why I didn't harp on that in the main section.
But I do need to disclaim that my happy, blended family that is today, would NOT EXIST, at all, without God's Love, Grace,and Direction.
A LOT of Prayers!!
Do you Have anything to add to this list??
Please share it will me, I would love to hear your ideas!!!
Questions? Comments? Suggestions?
You know where to leave them!!
(aka our Besties)
I would be so very happy if you would join us!
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I am wanting to set up some exclusive Q&As on any relative topic!
parenting in general
- Bonus mom
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