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Why I'm an Asshole...(according to my kids)

We all have days where our kids drive us nuts and bring us to the brink of insanity. We all have those days when welove our kids, but don't really like them. Guess what? We, as parents, drive our kids nuts too! I always knew there would be a day when my kids would hate me. I just didn’t expect it to be so soon. I figured that I would have a good 14 years until they wanted freedom and their raging hormones made them hate me. I didn’t expect to ruin their lives so early on. No one properly prepared me for the drama such simple things could cause. Here are some of the reasons I am an asshole according to my kids.

  • I won’t let the kids play in the construction site across the street.
  • I won’t let them eat candy and granola bars for breakfast. I’m so mean.
  • I made chicken nuggets for dinner. How could I be so stupid.
  • I didn’t make chicken nuggets for dinner. Again...fail.
  • I wouldn’t let her go to school wearing two different shoes (that would be a rain boot and a dress up princess shoe).
  • I wouldn’t let her play with Vaseline and wiped off what she just smeared all over herself and the carpet.
    I put her cereal in a pink bowl and not the purple bowl. Total asshole.
  • I forgot about “red shirt” day at school. Another life ruined by my stupidity.
  • I won’t let the 8-year-old ride his bike alone around the neighborhood.
  • Because she broke the banana I gave her. Now it’s ruined. Failed again.
  • I asked her to put on her shoes. Asshole.
  • She got wet while running through the sprinkler.
  • Her binky is too “spicy”…what?
  • I looked at her while she was singing.
  • I wouldn’t buy him a pack of old baseball cards from 1991 for $10 at a garage sale. Asshole.
  • I took them out to dinner for pizza. Didn’t know they hated pizza.
  • I signed him up to play basketball because he asked me to. NEWS FLASH! He HATES basketball now…Um. Ok. I’m an asshole.
  • I told her she has to brush her hair.
  • I took them to a parade and it took too long to start. Yep. It’s my fault.
  • I wouldn’t give her a Band Aid for the non-existent “bump” on her leg. Worst mom ever.
  • I couldn’t make her frozen toast. Asshole.
  • I left to go buy HER a birthday present. How could I.
  • Because I said he can’t wear sweatpants to church.  It’s not like I asked him to wear dress slacks. Just jeans and not sweatpants.
  • I told her should cold not have green olives and salami in her bed for a snack at 9:30 p.m. GO TO BED!
  •  I told him he couldn’t pee in the front yard and had to use the toilet. Asshole.


There you have it. Is this enough proof?  I’m a total asshole.

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