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Why My Family Won’t Be Moving To A Small Town

My hometown consisted of about 800 people. It was your typical small town that you’ve seen on TV with tractors, fields, and 15-year olds getting lit on the weekends. Seriously, you know those memes about lying to your mom saying you were at Jessica’s house when really you were in a field dying and puking up Absolut? Totally and completely accurate. Sorry, Mom! Anyway, I’d like to think that being a mom now, I’d move back for the peace and quiet, the so-called safety, the student-teacher ratios, and having the tight-knit community feeling, buuuuut… no thanks. I’d rather invest in Blockbuster than move back to a small town.

FYI: This isn’t meant to bash my hometown. I wouldn’t be who I am today without that place, so everybody relax.

I’m way too nosey.

I used to get genuinely concerned if someone I’d never seen before was at our local gas station. I would text my friends asking who the hell was in our town and why they were there. I’d be paranoid that the person was only in town to abduct my children. I’d need to know who is married to who, if their exes are pissed, if they have kids together, what kind of car they drive, why they haven’t been home in 3 days, their blood type, etc. I was obsessed with knowing every detail about everyone’s life and it was exhausting. I would rather my kids have better things to do than to worry about what color shirt their 90 year-old neighbor is going to wear today.

Sports: Everyone needs to chill out.

The only thing that seems to matter in small towns are sports, and rightfully so – they bring everyone together in hopes that their kid will end up going to the NFL. But you guys, there’s like 15 kids on the football team and the coach is also the history teacher. CALM DOWN when your kid doesn’t throw a 50-yard pass. Plus, being in constant competition with your best friend is f*cking stressful when you’re 14. If my kids want any chance at an athletic future, a small town school probably isn’t the answer. In fact, I’m doing everyone a favor because my kids’ dad would without a doubt be kicked out of every one of their sporting events.

The drama is real.

I’d probably exceed some character count somewhere if I actually got into this one so I’ll just say this: Y’all need a hobby.

Apparently you’re never allowed to leave.

It’s true for all small towns: you have your families who are lifers. That’s cool and all and looks sweet in the newspaper that your family started there in 1856 but heaven forbid if you decide to leave! I was actually treated differently the second I announced I was moving away to college. It was almost as if they thought I was “better” for leaving. No, I just knew there was more to life than gossping in bleachers all week. I want my kids to understand that there are bigger and better things out there and it’s okay to seek other opportunities.

Our kids just need more.

I know small towns try to encourage community involvement but the truth is, everyone comes together for a nut fry once a year and calls it good. (Yes, my hometown holds an annual “Testicle Festival.” Don’t ask.) There is only so much a kid can do when you live in a small town and seeing how everything is so technology driven, they rarely even go outside anymore. The class options are limited and I’m sorry, but teaching a semester of Spanish isn’t introducing my kid to what diversity is. I was unintentially sheltered living in a small town because nobody knew how to teach us what the “real world” was like. My kids absolutely need that if they want to survive their generation.

It’s inconvenient. Plain and simple.

Living in a house with boys, we need full-functioning cable and Wi-Fi that doesn’t require me to put one of my kids on eBay to pay for it, and call me high maintenance, but I need a Target within a 5 mile radius. Driving 30 minutes to get absolutely anything is just unnecessary. There’s maybe a pizza place that delivers and if they do, everyone else in town is ordering on Friday nights and they close at 8, so I hope you’re not too hungry. Roads are plowed once every 8 winters and your power is definitely going out the second it rains.

Make no mistake, I enjoyed my childhood living in a small town but I wish I would’ve had more opportunities and I wish I was taught more about the “real world.” I won’t put my kids in a school with 20 kids they’re forced to be friends with and I won’t put them in an environment where their every move is monitored and judged. NFL, HERE WE COME! 😉

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