WORDS HURT...TO THE POINT OF SUICIDE..make sure you love your kids equally

I realize I am way to old to have mommy issues but I guess when things keep happening you can't help but.. My mom has always favored my younger sister of 13 years over me. My mom was addicted to pills when I was growing up and I had to drop out in tenth grade to care for my sister because my mother was so awful. I was neglected and abused in every form coming up, and all I ever did was hide my mom's secrets and take care of my sister, when I was allowed to be at home. Recently my sister bullied me to the point I wanted to hurt myself and my mother defended her to me, and blamed me for finally after years of it blowing up as if I did something wrong. Even though I was the one at 39 years old having to call a hotline so that my younger child wouldn't find me dead. Being a mom is hard, but if you are a mom of several children you have to love them the same. You have to make sure they know you love them the same and never ever show one more love or attention then the other. Even if one of your kids has special needs or something, make sure that all of your children feel equally loved and secure. The long term damage that it causes is not worth it to your kids or you in the end. My entire life, after my grandfather,my mom's father died, I have felt completely alone.I feel like I raised myself. Then my sister came along at 13 and I felt like I had to protect and take care of her because I didn't want her to go through what I had with mom and even with her dad.  He was also so severely abusive to me. My mom allowed him to be abusive because he had a lot of money and social status and she wanted that more then she cared about me. She got pregnant with my sister hoping to get money from him like as if my sister was a check.  The fact that my sister has turned on me has hurt me to my core. What hurts also is my mom doesn't care about the fact that my sister pushed me to the point I wanted to die. The constant throwing of she and my mom's relationship in my face. My other kids, just saying hateful things.  Words hurt. Words hurt more coming from people who are supposed to love you no matter what. Neglect hurts...Rejection hurts.. and people never truly get over things like that even if time has passed and the people are getting along and doing ok. But it's always there, the memories the damage..So be careful of how you act, react and interact with your children because they see it. They feel it, they know it and once a person feels something negative it is hard to fix it or to come back from that. Once the damage is done, sometimes you don't get a chance to fix it because the pain is to much for a person and it actually, truly kills them. Words hurt. My faith in God and knowing that suicide is a sin I cannot be forgiven for is what truly saved me. Suicide is selfish, however when a person is at that point in life they aren't thinking about other people and how they will feel when a person kills themselves. They are hurt to a point that they can't see anything but ending it all. So a person should never be the cause of someone wanting to end there life. You really don't want to be the reason your child or sister or brother wants to die. If my mom would have loved me, defended me, been more supportive or just kind to me, then things could have played out differently. I have tried over the years to talk to my mom about my sister but all she did was blame me and defend her. So since I couldn't even talk to my mom without being made to feel worse I was at the point I couldn't take it anymore. If my mom was a better mom to me and I felt safe and loved and supported, and knew that if and when I called her she would be the mom I needed and deserved, then I would have from day one felt differently. Since I over the years have tried to talk to her about my sister, only to have her blame me and talk down to me. I felt at a loss and alone and couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell my sister to leave me alone because she is making me want to hurt myself, and she hid the fact I was suicidal from my mom for over a month. She did not tell my mom, try to stop me or anything because she didn't want my mom to know that she had pushed me to the point I wanted to die. So she rather me kill myself and my mom not know why then to take be women enough to take responsibility and try to save my life.  It wasn't until over a month later that I told my mom what she had done and my sister was forced to tell my mom and show her our texts. My sister though isn't trustworthy so I don't even know what she deleted before showing my mom.  My sister knew what she had done and hid it and my mom could have cared less. This was this past Monday. God saves true enough. Words however hurt forever. There have been many things my mom has done, but to make this situation about her and my sister and not the fact I was pushed to the point I didn't want to be here anymore is something I cannot look past. I can forgive but not forget. I try to make sure my kids know how much I love each of them and why. That they are all important to me and that I am here for them good, bad, right or wrong.

Make sure your kids know you love them. Fix with them what needs to be fixed if you can.Talk to them not at them. Listen to them even if it hurts you but don't make it about you and be defensive. The feelings of your kids are there feelings and you cannot control how a person feels because you don't think its right. Don't be the reason your children want to hurt themselves or die and don't allow the siblings be the reason they hurt themselves or want to die either. My sister was hateful to me because of how my mom treated me and out of resentment because my older two children are there so much. My sister knows that my mom would not care how my sister treated me because my sister has also heard and seen how she has treated me.

You have to treat and love your kids the same the best you can. Words hurt and DEATH IS FINAL. Don't be the reason your kids die or live as if they are dead. Be the reason your kids live and live as if they are truly alive.  We will all meet God one day. we will all answer for our crap..You sure you want to answer about your children and why you didn't do right by them? I know I don't...Words hurt..But don't forget ACTIONS ALWAYS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS..

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